We highly recommend the book “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
If a wife doesn’t feel loved, she will not show respect. If a husband doesn’t feel respected, he will not show love. The more the wife criticizes, the more the husband will shut down and withdraw. The more the husband shuts down and withdraws, the more the wife will attack, be negative, and complain. This is why it is deemed the crazy cycle.
Such a simple concept. That love for women is the same as respect for men, both vital and irreplaceable.
His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.
As women require unconditional love, men require unconditional respect.
Men don’t realise how often they come across unloving, women don’t realise how often they come across disrespectful.
I’ve asked Justin how important respect is for him. His answer was – “Hhmm it’s like oxygen”. Important, I guess..
A man spells love – R E S P E C T.
So, I asked Justin to make a list of 15 things that I do that make him feel disrespected. When I’m interrupting him, my tone of voice of a school teacher, rolling of the eyes, not showing enough appreciation and respect for him providing for us.. (guilty as charged) I have apologised and now being really aware how I come across no matter how I’m feeling. I do not want to come across disrespectful even if I’m upset. It takes practice. It takes conscious awareness.
“Unfortunately, a wife’s usual approach is to complain and criticize in order to motivate her husband to become more loving. This usually proves about as successful as trying to sell brass knuckles to Mother Teresa.”
This concept really resonates with the message of Alison Armstrong. In “Queen’s code” Alison Armstrong talks about how emasculating men turns “princes into frogs”. The way we (women) speak to our men, understand them and show respect will determine how they are towards us.
Some practical play?
To you, dear ladies:
Ask your partner to make a list of 15 things that make him feel disrespected. What are the things that make him feel respected?
Tell your partner how much you respect him. Instead of I love you. Just try it.
Write down a list of the things you respect him for. Choose how you’d like to communicate that. Make a note, write a letter, tell him in person. Repeat often. (Doctor’s order)
Great practice also instead of bitter comments, when we are feeling hurt, try saying a version of this statement next time you are in a fight with your man: ” That felt unloving. Did I come across as disrespectful? If so, I am sorry. How can I come across more respectfully?”
To you, dear men:
Ask your woman why is she reacting the way she does? How can you be more loving towards her so she’ll be more respectful? Explain to her how
it affects you when she acts a certain way. We are both responsible for our partner to understand our needs. Articulate what is respectful to you and what is not.
I asked Justin to tell me each time when my school teacher (patronising, superior, you get the point) tone of voice comes out so I can train it out of me.
I also wrote a note saying how much I respect and admire that he provides and how much I admire him for working so hard. He keeps this note on his desk. Still.